Holidays…… The Challenges of celebrating

Meribeth Pillot, LPC, CPCS

Holidays…… The Challenges of celebrating them when being Single or in an unhealthy relationship.

Holidays, particularly those with a romantic focus, such as Valentine’s Day, can be incredibly difficult for individuals who are single or are in unhealthy relationships. For many, these days are reminders of the companionship and affection they feel they don't have, or the love they wish they had. Being a clinician and working with clients that have suffered some type of trauma in their life can be difficult at times to hear what they have endured. I asked one client to explain how she felt being in an unhealthy relationship with Valentine’s Day closely arriving. She shared, “For people in abusive or toxic relationships like I was, these holidays can be especially overwhelming. I felt defeated often when it was a holiday, there would be fear, it’s one of those moments where you have to be extra cautious walking on eggshells, basically. So you don't do anything to alter your abuser's mood and keep the peace for a perfect day. It took a lot of effort to maintain peace, to the point of mental exhaustion and still nothing was ever good enough.”

For someone emerging from a physically abusive relationship, when your sense of self-worth has been eroded by the manipulative tactics and violence of an abusive partner, it’s hard to even imagine what a healthy relationship looks like, let alone participate with a holiday that's surrounded by love and the demonstrations of what you lack of in your abusive partner. Even worse, of the trauma that has been endured. instead of receiving flowers or chocolates. There may be painful memories of being hurt or belittled. The emotional and physical scars left by abuse can make it challenging to trust others, or to trust yourself, and the idea of celebrating love feels distant and unreachable.

Through therapy, clients are taught the cycle of abuse and how to escape from the abuse so that they can begin healing. The cycle of abuse is a theory created by psychologist Lenore Walker in 1979 to explain how abusive relationships often follow a repeating pattern. Walker identified four stages that often cycle repeatedly until broken:

· The tension-building phase: Tension rises, communication breaks down, and the victim begins to feel fearful and anxious about what might happen next. · The abusive incident: Verbal, emotional, or physical abuse takes place, often involving anger, blaming, or intimidation.

· Reconciliation: After the abuse, the abuser may apologize, make excuses, or deny the severity of the incident, often blaming their victim.

· Calm: A brief period of peace occurs, where the abuse stops and the abuser may behave affectionately or kindly, giving their victim a sense of hope that things will improve.

The entire cycle can last for different amounts of time—sometimes happening in just one day, or stretching over weeks or months—but it keeps repeating, which can leave the victim feeling confused and uncertain.

So if you find yourself in a similar situation where you feel lonely or in an unhealthy relationship, here are some practical tips to implement:

Tip 1: Learn to set boundaries

Tip 2: Use “I” statements

Tip 3: Engage with your community online or in person

Tip 4: Get outside and do things you enjoy ie go for a walk, go to church, go to lunch with a friend.

Tip 5: Journal- writing your thoughts down on paper can be a great way to come to terns with what you are experiencing.

Tip 6: Keep up with your friends and family no matter how far they live

Tip 7: Take care of your overall mental health.

My client was able to get out of the unhealthy relationship and today is in Mental Health Court, attending individual therapy and learning to build up her self-worth. The challenge of being happy is difficult as holidays that focus on love or being loved occur every year but as she said, “I will survive and be happy again.”